


Je Ne Regrette Rien

by Frozen_Meatballs



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boundaries, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 09:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11078700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frozen_Meatballs/pseuds/Frozen_Meatballs
Summary: Emil and I are always the sour eye of the fake upper class. Due to us being in the lowest class but inheriting the "godly" features of our bastard fathers, hardship was already signed in our life contracts the moment we were born. A life in which sometimes, I just wish that you did not let us see this world.I thought Brigith was among them, mother. The only mistake I would ever admit and the worst I have ever made.





	Je Ne Regrette Rien

**Author's Note:**

> A forgotten story of mine from years ago that I found while randomly browsing my facebook notes. Various tweaked quotes are in this story from so many individuals.

"You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy cars, but because they sing a song only you can hear. " -Oscar Wilde

I regret none

These were the last words you told me as I took my last gaze of your tearful yet happy eyes after giving birth to Emil. Mother, I have not understood why you uttered such deep words as your parting message to me as it was still beyond my aged seven brain, but never have I forgotten those three words all these years. Before Emil was born, you were all I had.

You were a slave. But for being a slave and having all common traits of the lower class, you were beautiful in your own right. Something that caught the attention of the Aryan upperclass and raped you. You became pregnant of me because of it. One might think that you might have begrudged me or abused me, but no. You loved me. You allowed me to be human, to survive and cared for me. All became a cycle again with Emil, but unfortunately he was unable to feel the warmth of your love the first moment he was able to feel the cruelty of the world.

I wouldn't let Emil live his life without the morals you taught me every night. The stories you used to take me out of our reality. The songs you used to lull me to sleep. I would never let him live his life without them or else, I would never live it down. I would fail to be your son; to be Emil's big brother.

Tonight, as I sit here and stare at the moon, is another thought about you. You told me once that a soul isn't something a person is born with, but must be built, by effort and error, study and love. With this is a world of another woman, a woman named Brigith, who drastically and unknowingly seeped through my ship and sank it beneath the depths of her.

That's when I realized, as my world narrowed down to this single moment, that a foundation of psyche has been offered to me. At the sight of her where she let me feel like a child again who has finally discovered the world, was also a discovery of love.

I guess you would have never expected quite the sappy words for a person such as me. I may hypothesize that love truly does release a person's inner poet.

And here I am wondering where all these has begun.

Perhaps, it was when I was in a fit of rage. On that fateful day as I gaze upon the helplessness radiating from Emil, whose body laid down in a puddle of water from the bucket he used for scraping the floors of the Oxenstierna manor. I would've thought that he was just being clumsy and slipped on his own chore, but the sight of him groaning in pain while ahold his stomach and the slowly fading figure of two people that obviously came from his direction made me think otherwise.

No longer caring that one of them was actually struggling.

In which later in the course of the start of our real misery, would I learn that the one struggling was Brigith. She was trying to get away from her unwanted fiancé, Mathias.

That he was the one who caused the pain of Emil and that she was only trying to help, but he wouldn't let her. His pride shouted that he did not want a wife who valued trash.

Trash. The very word made my blood boil.

How dare he call us garbage. They were the filthy.  
They were all the same monsters who valued nothing, but their bottled blond hair and their fake powdered fair skin. But Brigith was genuine inside out.

Unfortunately, it was too late when I realized that.

People in the upper class, whose hair was bright as gold; skin was white as pearl; eyes as blue as the sky and tall body structure was regarded as the highest race in our hierarchy. While those who did not have all of those traits, but what was born in the upper class, waste money everyday to doll themselves up to meet the status quo.

Because of these standards, Emil and I are always the sour eye of the fake upper class. Due to us being in the lowest class but inheriting the "godly" features of our bastard fathers, hardship was already signed in our life contracts the moment we were born. A life in which sometimes, I just wish that you did not let us see this world.

I thought Brigith was among them, mother. The only mistake I would ever admit and the worst I have ever made.

She has the looks of the true master race. With this, her parents made her to study abroad and only allowed her to come back every now and then for a vacation. Everyone in the Oxenstierna household knew how beautiful she was, which is why only a handful of people, her family and other nobles aside, have been graced by her close presence, and technically the whole of the Oxenstierna family. Especially not us male slaves as they fear that we might take advantage of them.

Nobles and their silly attempts to cover up their own misdeeds and blame them to us. You know Emil and I are living proof to this.

The moment I saw Emil lying down on the floor, anger and tiredness got the better of me. I was angry, mother. Angry and tired of the life we did not deserve so I took advantage of these looks of mine that caused our very misery. I decided to get Brigith first. To get revenge, I would dress up in lavish clothing that I stole from visiting nobles every night while they were asleep. They simply had to much clothes to notice. I went straight to her room, introduced myself with the fake name Luke and made an alibi that I was a visitor noble and that I was lost when I first stumbled upon her room.

She doesn't know I'm practically one of their slaves, of course. I made sure of that.

You probably would've scolded me. I wish you could, but you're gone. Anyway.

As she led me to the hallways I already knew, probably better than her, I congratulated her with her fiancé despite knowing how much she hated that Mathias. Then and there, she broke down like an abandoned rag doll. I clung to her and asked. She admitted of not loving him and was simply forced in this agreement. Brigith had no choice. In 6 months, they would be married. I remained silent in the whole ordeal, closely listening in her moment of fragility. In the perfect moment I could get to know her weakness.

Standing in the dark hallways, I have decided.

I will let her hear what she's always wanted to hear; what she has always wanted to see. I will let her feel the most beautiful thing possible so that when she comes back to those senses, she may never go back without tasting me like blood in her lips. I will devastate her in the most amazing way and when I leave, she will know what has never been taught to her in her expensive school. Starting from Brigith, the nobles would finally understand why storms are named after people.

Come to think of it, I should've just let her suffer by watching her marry Mathias. I would never have felt this traitorous feeling of love.

Yes, I am in full belief that you wouldn't like what I am doing now.

I got her trust and in the dead of the night, I would come to visit. She would tell me more of her sorrows, more of the heaviness in her chest and I would listen like no one ever did. I made her heart soft and targeted to earn it.

You can't blame me. I am just tired of the world upon our shoulders. It's time that they know what it feels like.

Once, I heard Brigith ask her noble female friends in the manor about me, everyone just shrugged because there were just so many visiting nobles in their household every day, it could've been anyone. They would ask what I look like, she'd dreamily comply. Foolish women squeal in delight when Brigith would describe me.

"His face more handsome than any other men of the master race I have ever seen!"

"A man of a master race!" annoying giggles followed after.

I left from my eavesdropping before I got caught. The smug smile refused to leave my face as I flee. Bourgeois fawning over a proletariat. It was overly satisfying. But I tell myself that I left because I might get caught when in reality, I left when I could no longer bear the guilt after hearing her last words.

"That was not the one that had me, though. It was when he would listen to me oh so genuinely. As if my voice was the only sound in the world. As if my words was the only language he understood. All my life, I've only wanted someone to listen."

Her friends became deaf to this. The smug smile vanishes.

I could imagine you telling me "I told you so."

She asks me that night why I could not be with her at day, I would say that I was busy with work and behind her back would I laugh whenever she bought it.

Again, I felt this stupid guilt.

The following night, Emil caught me ready to leave. Luckily, I have not worn yet the new clothing I "borrowed".

"Brother, where to?"

Nervously, I swerved my head to his direction albeit still keeping my casual look then smiled at him and made the most simple alibi.

"Sorry for waking you up Emil. I'm just off to the lavatory. Please, go back to sleep."

I only left when I made sure Emil was back to sleep.

When I arrived by her door, I heard some shouting from the inside. Alarmed, I hid myself in the shadows, listened and waited. A few minutes later, Mathias came storming out of Brigith's room and slammed her door. I waited a few more moments to ensure that he won't come back before I softly knocked and pushed her door. She was crying in the corner. I slowly approached her and touched her arm, but she suddenly backed away.

I was surprised by this and judging from her reaction, she was too. Though upon seeing who it was, she quickly went to her feet and placed her arms around my neck and sobbed on my shoulder. This was the first time we were this close. Brigith explained to me that Mathias demanded they make love that night and when she declined, he tried to rape her. The thought of rape made me see red.

I should've also been glad that Brigith is crying. But deep inside, I felt angry at Mathias. Whether or not it was because it reminded me of the time I sat beside you, watching you cry your pain the night you were raped that made you pregnant of Emil, I did not know. Something inside me was saying it was because he had no right to touch Brigith.

Three months have passed since the beginning of my revenge when Brigith admitted that she had feelings for me.

Oh Mother, mission accomplished.

I've imagined this moment. That when she says that she loves me, maybe I'd make love with her. And the following night, I'd stop visiting her. Let her realize that she has been used; that the man she knew was never really true. Take her virginity away and no longer return. Then, I go to my next target Mathias and plan my revenge for him. That was my plan.

But you know what?

But it never happened.

I looked at her blue eyes and smiled.

She opened her mouth to speak, but I blocked her lips with my finger.

She stared back hopefully at me.

My heart skipped a beat.

There, I replied

"I love you too."

My eyes widened.

But she was too happy to see this and she started crying with joy.

Why?! That wasn't part of the plan! I was so internally frustrated! I wanted to rip all the hair out of my head!

I guess, I do love her  
I don't know how  
I don't know why  
I just did.

I brought my fingers to her eyes and wiped her tears then I hugged her. Brigith hugged back.

Is this the reason why I was also becoming eager to see her every night? Would this be just another unknown fairy tale of a princess and a pauper? Just another altered Cinderella? This shouldn't be. Things aren't going as planned.

But...

I felt contented.

I can hear you squeal in delight that your boy is growing up, mother. Stop it. It's embarrassing.

Another night has come for me to visit her. Another night where I can't believe my plan backfired. Another night packed of lies in the midst of genuine trust and of genuine love. I entered her room and I felt cold. She was looking at the moon and look upon right now and she spoke.

"Father has moved the wedding. It will be held next month."

"There is still a way."

"There is not."

"Anything can happen in a month."

She snapped out of her moon staring and looked at me with teary eyes.

"Including making the wedding earlier than a month!"

I hugged her from behind then she turned around and dug her head on my chest. From our position, I looked at the moon and had this non-verbatim conversation.

"I like the moon. It provides light in the dark and softness in black. It's like telling you that no matter how tragic the situation may be, there would always be something beautiful."

"Luke, the moon doesn't always appear."

"It does."

"And how, pray tell, can you explain the nights that is only filled with darkness?"

"The moon is always there. The world just have to face it to feel its soft illuminate. Just like us, the light is already there. We just need to know how to face it."

On that night, was our first kiss. With the both of us hoping that it wouldn't be the last.

Day of the wedding has come. The night before, Brigith cried herself to sleep on my chest. I felt angry.

I felt angry at them because of their idiotic standards. To her for making me feel this way. To myself as I allowed myself to be so stupid.

I laid her down. Tonight was her last night to be a maiden. Her last night of freedom.

Our last night to ourselves.

A night full of empty of wishes; of silent prayers.

I laid her down on her bed and kissed her forehead goodbye. I reached for her door and slowly opened it. Peering at her peacefulness was such a prize to me. Tomorrow, they would be no more.

She walked on the aisle with those heavy, obscurely designed dresses other people thought was pretty.

Not that I saw her of course. It was servant logic.

I imagined her, in all white and the people staring at her in awe or envy. Echoes of whisper filling the crisp air. Mathias' smug on and standing on the end of the aisle with his self pride. Annoying women crying for "joy" and the bride anxiousness following her wake. You know, the typical arranged marriage scenario. I would never know if it really happened, though.

Curiousness got the better of me. I can hear you laugh mother. Yes, you know me. I'm still this curious little-not so little critter. Anyway, I blackmailed one of the supposed waiter in the banquet after the wedding ceremony and forced him to give me his damn uniform. I'm just glad Emil was already used to my occasional disappearance.

Nevermind the fact that even the servers had their hierarchy and was designated on who they would serve depending on the color of vest they wore. Another mistake. Apparently, my victim was a waiter for the Oxenstiernas. Which would mean I technically would be serving Brigith and Mathias too. I swear that somewhere, someone was laughing at me.

I did my best waiter impression and approached the Lady Oxenstierna first. I never really saw my masters for reasons aforementioned in my narration, but I was given instructions on who was who and where they were tabled. I asked what dish she would like, but I was baffled to see her look at me with such suprise and sudden anger. I tried to question her why, despite knowing that it would probably cost me my tongue, but she turnd her attention to her husband and suddenly started shouting something about another bastard child.

I was becoming tensed. Eyes were practically on us. I looked at Brigith's direction to see that her eyes were wide in confusion. Not at my presence, maybe, but perhaps because I was on waiter attire. She always knew I was noble after all.

My attention turned back to Lady Oxenstierna and her husband, which now made me realize why she was shouting.

Lord Oxenstierna was looking at me with stoic eyes, but that wasn't what alarmed me.

It was the how he looked. And recognition was dawning.

I had his face.

Same blonde hair, same eyes, same jawline, almost same everything! He just looked like an older version of I, but why?

I wish you told me before you left. Would've saved me from the problem uprising.

My thoughts were cut off by more of Lady Oxenstierna's tantrum fits. She started to pull her husband's collar and demanded answers, but Lord Oxenstierna just kept quiet, his gaze never leaving mine. I, on the other hand, was slowly backing away but never left my gaze on him too.

"Henrik, answer me! Why does that stupid waiter look like you?!" Lady Oxenstierna demanded. People were starting to swoon near us and Brigith stood up and tried to tear her mother away from her father. She then looked at me with eyes teary eyed and full of questioning. I could recall, there was so much shouting.

"Luke, why are you in that outfit? Why is mother shouting questions at father about you being his child? What are you hiding?!"

I shook my head. I was at loss too! I didn't know wjat was happening!

All of a sudden, the head servant came running in and faced me with anger.

"Lukas!"

He punched me when he was near that made me jerk down on the floor. Blood was trickling down from my mouth as I heard people gasp. In the corner of my eye, I saw Lord Oxenstierna tore himself away from his raging wife to the head servant and punched him too.

My "father" taking revenge for me? Of course not.

"You piece of shit! Did I not order you to have this bastard killed?! " he pointed his finger at me while furiously looking at the head servant.

In shock, I crawled backwards and stopped when I hit a table. I looked up and saw Mathias with fear in his eyes. He heard my thump at the table and it acted as a cue for him to stand.

"I only wanted their money not their mess! I'm leaving! " was all he said after he scrambled out of the venue with his family. No one tried to stop them.

"I did my best to make him suffer 'till he died my Lord! But he's tough!" head servant cried. Everyone gasped louder. I didn't know who I should put my attention at. Head servant and Lord Oxenstierna or Brigith?

"Well, you obviously did not do your best you scum!" Lord Oxenstierna shouted back.

"Father, what is happening?!" my Brigith still managed to ask as she clung to her equally shocked mother. The people started again their endless whispers. Goodness, did all these people knew were gossips? Even all of the hired photographers started taking pictures. I had to add to my growing list of worries about the headlines the following day. I'm sure your son's handsome face would be on front page.

Lord Oxenstierna did not pay heed to any of them and took out a gun. People screamed in fright and some of them ran away from the scene. Only a few stayed, but those were the one who wanted a good scoop. My eyes practically went wide and I tried to stand up and get away too. I was also silently thanking whoever is up there that servants weren't allowed here. At least Emil is safe.

Unfortunately, my efforts were in vain when Lord Oxenstierna pointed the gun at me. I could hear my heart beat loudly, but Brigith's scream was deafening.

"LUKE NO! "

The head servant gave Brigith a skeptical look. "Luke? You mean Lukas?"

This perked up her father's attention which luckily made him point his gun down the floor. He looked at me with curiosity and then at Brigith. "Darling, you know this garbage? "

"He's not garbage, father! He's a fine young man and, and he listens to me. Luke is kind and I, I love him! " she blurted out the last words with sheer emotion that made my heart sink. She would know the truth now.

Brigith's father, at first, gave her a disbelieving look, then laughed maniacally like the villain he is. And I thought Mathias was like the stepmother in your Cinderella story. He approached me and kicked my head to the floor and stepped on my head. Brigith made another shriek.

"You love this rat, dear? When did I fail to become a father that your standards became oh so low?"

"I am not a rat nor am I low! " I intervened which earned me another kick, now on the gut thhat made me cought more blood.

Lord Oxenstierna raised his gun again and shot the head servant at his chest just while he was attempting to stand. I squirmed beneath his step, but failed once again after another series of screaming and gun pointing on me.

Just then, police officials arrived and surrounded Lord Oxenstierna.

"Sir, you have the right to stay calm. Now put down that gun and come with us in peace." one of them said.

"Your persuasions are pathetic." he said cooly. As he was about to pull the trigger, Brigith ran towards him and hauled herself to stop him. She gripped the gun away from her father's hands. In the corner of my eye, I witnessed Lady Oxenstierna attempting to calm her family, but later would I learn that she was forcefully evacuated by an officer.

As I watched the father and daughter fight over the gun, I crawled to his direction in attempt to help Brigith stop him, but I heard next was a gun shot.

Looking up, I saw Lord Oxenstierna drop the gun and eyes wide. Along it was dripping blood.

Blood.

Brigith's blood.

It was all too fast. I clutched Brigith, tears rolling down my cheeks. I stared at her and shouted her name as she looked back at me with equally teary eyes. Then all of a sudden, my own voice was drowned in a sea of shrieks. People were running. I smelled smoke.

Looking around, I saw people and the police run out. Lord Oxenstierna has started fire from one of the decorative lit candles in a frail attempt to escape. My heart was beating fast and I quickly stood up.

"Luke, please save yourself and leave me here."

I gave her a bewildered look. "Never!"

"Please Luke, I have not much ti-" in my attempt to scurry away, I tripped on the body of the head servant. Of all times to be clumsy, seriously.

Brigith kept telling me to just leave her in this inferno. I completely ignored her and hurried to the exit.

But I did not ignore the fact that her voice was slowly becoming faint.

"Just a few more Brigith. Please, hold on."

"Oh Luke. Or is it Lukas?"

"Lukas!"

"I would never know why you did this--"

"You will! I will explain myself when we get out! " I dodged a burning wood fall in front of us.

"But I want you to know that the truth you let me feel was the best in my life full of lies."

"Stop talking like that! " I ignored every bit of pain from all the kicks I received earlier. Adrenaline was eating me.

"You are father's son? That makes us siblings."

"I don't care!"

"Tell me one last time that you love me."

I managed to get out of the building in flames. The people piled up outside and watched the lemme glow of fire eat up the place.

There in front of all the people. In front of all the goddamned people who thought themselves God. Who treated people like me as trash. In front of Mathias and his family. Brigith's mother and her handcuffed father, I cried.

I watched her..

"I love you Brigith."

take

"I love you too"

her last breath.

* * *

 

Epilogue

"Why are you here?" Mathias asked begrudgingly

A hoarse voice said from behind that made Lukas and Emil turn around from their mother's grave.

"It's none of your business!" Emil replied, scowling at the man in front of them but before Mathias was able to shout at him, Lukas pulled him to his back and gave Mathias a blank stare.

"You know all too well that Brigith was buried here this morning. You aren't welcome!" Mathias hissed. Emil gripped his brother's shirt, but said nothing.

"All is fair in death, Mathias. I am here with Emil to visit our mother. This is her grave." he pointed at a worn out grave mark. He let the moon illuminate the marking for Mathias to see and continued. "And yes, I am well aware that Brigith will be buried here as this is the only cemetery in town, but I did not know it was held this morning." Lukas said, unfazed unwelcome given to them. Mathias narrowed his eyes at Lukas, but decided to just leave them.

When Mathias was out of sight, Emil looked back at their mother's grave. "You need not to lie in front of mother. You very well knew when and where Brigith's burial was. Me too. " he said without looking at his older brother.

"Better than argue with someone in front of her, yes?"

"So you two are siblings? You and Brigith, I mean." Emil hesitantly asked and looked up to Lukas. He nodded in response.

"I'd wager that you too is her brother. We both looked a lot like that man instead of mother."

"So we're not just half brothers?"

"Guess not."

Emil breathed heavily. He kneeled down to their mother's grave and removed a flower from the little bouquet they offered. Lukas gave his little brother a skeptical look when suddenly, Emil grabbed his hand and pulled him. He tried to struggle, but stopped when he realized that Emil was leading them to Brigith's grave.

"Stop pulling me. I'll willingly go."

Emil gave him a doubtful look, but complied anyway and handed the flower to Lukas. He took the flower and gave Emil a grateful gaze. Together, they strode along the gloomy cemetery in silence under the soft light of the moon.

Once they saw the freshly closed grave of Brigith, Lukas kneeled down and settled the flower just below her grave marking.

"You loved him, didn't you? " Lukas heard Emil ask, but he did not leave his gaze on Brigith's grave.

"He loves you as well. But you died and you're our sister, as far as we know. I'm not blaming you for anything. Apparently, you lived a horrible life like us too. But at least I had my big brother. You had no one."

"Emil... "

"Heh, how unfortunate of my brother to fall in love with someone he can't have. I still thank you, though. Now I understood why he suddenly became happy even if it were just a few months. Thanks for that. I wish I knew you sister. Well, I'm giving the floor to him now. He has something to tell you."

Emil nodded at Lukas after his speech. "You owe her a few words too."

Lukas looked at him and gave a deep breath. "Alright."  
he answered then turned to Brigith.

"Emil says I owe you a few words. Fine. I want to say sorry. For lying to you. I'm sorry that I made you believe that I provided you the truth when in fact, I was lying." he closed his eyes and faced the moon then opened his eyes again.

"But my feelings, they were all true Brigith. I love you. Unfortunately, fate decided to joke on us. I learned a lesson though. A lesson my mother always told me that I only understood now. Three words that I too has finally been enlightened. Three words that I too have finally fathomed. Three words that would follow all of what I did that led me to you. Thank you for letting me realize Brigith."

Lukas looked over at Emil who was staring back at him while waiting for him to continue.

"Now Emil, you need to find you're own understanding."

"Of what? "

"Three words that I too can finally say."

I regret none.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! i hope you like it :)


End file.
